Fostering Bewilderment
“Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment” -Rumi
At one point in the not so distant past, I realized I had sold out. I had sold out to everything in my life. I sold my passion for complacency, adventure for safety, dreams for simple existence and happiness for anxiety. Long years have passed since I graduated college. I am creeping steadily to that 40 mark and I can’t help but sit back and take stock of it all. I often feel aimless and useless. In my eyes, what have I accomplished? What indelible mark have I left not just on my family but on society? My answers tend to only drive me further down into a pit that threatens to swallow me.
I was failing more than succeeding, doubting more than believing and stumbling more than walking. I had let myself believe I had life all figured out, and it was going to suck for forever. I could suck the fun out of every situation and my family dubbed me the pessimist.
BUT!! There’s the almighty BUT! If I were to ask my friends those same questions, things would probably look a little brighter.
It’s pretty amazing how when we take our eyes off of ourselves and try looking through the eyes of those we hold dearest, our filters change dramatically. All of the sudden our accomplishments seem far grander and we realize we still have dreams! Our “people” remind us of that. We aren’t done yet!
I have this really big dream, like the kind that would make people look at you sideways with a raised eyebrow. You know which look I mean. Somewhere along this path, I realized I had let that really big dream seem too unattainable. I let those sideways looks drive fear and doubt into my heart, so I gave it up. I gave up on this plan, this vision, this dream, and I settled for life as it was.
I sold it all and got the poorest excuse of living. Sometimes, life is just life. We wake up, we work, we eat, we clean, we sleep….repeat x 10 years. There were glimpses of this dream along the way. People who came into my life and threw an ember, and sometimes it would combust for a little bit. But, when you get into the habit of living, it’s easy to forget to dream.
Then, I had this AHHA moment. It wasn’t really a moment, it just sounds more dramatic that way. It was actually a series of people coming and throwing embers and fanning the little flames that ignited me again. And I sold my cleverness and bought bewilderment. I don’t need to have it all figured out! Who knew?
So my plan this year is to re-awaken that sleepy, starry eyed college kid who had the world at her fingertips. To let the changes that have come wash over me and relish in them! I am not that same kid. I am a wife and mother now. Which, by the way, is a STELLAR accomplishment! But I admit, I have gotten lost in those titles, as I am sure you have as well.
So pull out that old journal, or watch all the old video tapes, yes I said video tapes, and remind yourself of what it was that drove you and got you up in the morning back then.
You have changed. You probably aren’t as idealistic as you were, and the world has knocked you down a few pegs. BUT, there is still something stirring within you, some plan, some purpose you have been holding onto, you just haven’t fed it in a while.
I am dreaming this dream again, and I am determined that even if it takes me to until I’m 100, I’m going after it.
During this life, among all my failures, I will succeed. Amid all the doubts, I still believe, and in between my stumbling, I’M GOING TO RUN BECAUSE ALMOST 30, 40, 50 or 60 ISN’T TOO LATE!!
So pick yourself up, dust off the life that pulled you down and start dreaming and planning again. Do like Rumi, and “Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.”
Most importantly, go find yourself some people to throw some embers on your life.
