There will be a thousand posts today on love and romance and couples gushing out their undying devotion to one another. But I can’t help but wonder how many more voices fall silent on this day because the one relationship that was supposed to fulfill has fallen short. If your scroll through the social media feed is leaving you feeling empty or annoyed or slightly nauseous, this one’s for you.

As a counselor I’m privy to the behind-the-scenes stories. Here’s our smiling facebook photo we present to the world … but here’s the real deal. Sometimes the stories behind the scenes reveal strong, inspiring, enduring marriages. But much more often there are stories of hurt and betrayal and bad choices and words spoken that can’t be unsaid and here she sits, wondering how things got to this place. Or here he sits, wondering why his wife suddenly decided she was done with him because he was no longer meeting her needs. He no longer makes her happy.

I’ve been with my husband since I was 19, my entire adult life. A 36-year marriage is kind of like a series of smaller marriages, some of them great, some of them really hard. Darron and I have raised a family and built a life together. We’ve loved, laughed, cried, danced, fought, won, lost, succeeded, failed, built up and torn down. We are blessed to be in the ‘happily married’ category. And yet there are moments – even after all this time - when I look at him and wonder, do you really know me?

Another human being cannot fulfill every longing and meet every need. Even the greatest love stories fall short.

Let’s face it. Even the strong, enduring marriages have lonely moments. The thing is, we’re made for connection. It’s the greatest human need. To know and be known. To love and be loved. It’s wired deep within our circuitry, necessary for the survival of our species, and our most transparent reflection of our Creator. True connection began in the Trinity. The relationship between Father, Son and Holy Spirit that existed long before time began is a picture of love and connection in its purest form. It’s the reason we were created.

But here’s the other thing. Another human being cannot fulfill every longing and meet every need. Even the greatest love stories fall short.

Despite Hollywood’s most convincing attempts to lure us into the happily ever after, you-complete-me mentality, it’s just not real. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a sucker for candlelight dinners and Pandora tuned to Nat King Cole and sappy chick flics with happy endings. I just know that’s not what true love looks like.

When I read Alyssa’s post last week about her really bad day and how Matt just quietly steered the car to the Braums drive-through and bought her a milkshake, then later gathered her close and prayed over her, my first response was to thank the good Lord for this godly man who loves my daughter so well. They’re learning daily in the midst of raising two precious little ones that love is not a feeling but a choice. A choice to persevere and cling to what’s true even on the most frustrating, chaotic, exhausting days. A choice to lay down your life for another.

Next month my son will fly to Paris with his lovely fiancée where they’ll say “I do” with all the hopes and expectancy of two people in love beginning their lives together. And I truly hope they get all the sparks and fireworks and a lifetime of storybook moments. But so much more than that I pray they build a love that runs deep and weathers the storms.

This is what I know to be true. We’re wired for connection and interdependence, but on a deeper level we’re designed for an intimacy with our Maker that transcends all other relationships. This is what carries us through the lonely times.

This is how we can still be ok, joyful even, when we feel unseen or not fully known by our spouse. Because lest we forget, that spouse is only human. What if we accepted the limitations of human connection and let our spouses off the hook from having to measure up as our “be all and end all”? What if we found our be all and end all in Christ?

There’s only One who sees me all the way through and still loves me with a perfect love. From this place of being fully known and fully loved, I find so much freedom. I’m free to release my husband from the pressure of being my source of happiness and security and okay-ness. Free to embrace my wonderfully imperfect marriage to a man who does life with me and gives wings to my dreams and makes me laugh. Free to love and be loved.

May our God fill up your loneliest places today ~

♥Jana

When Marriage Leaves You Lonely

Another human being cannot fulfill every longing and meet every need. Even the greatest love stories fall short.