Motherhood “And”
For the past two weeks I have begun the painstaking discipline of waking up at 5:30 each morning to spend time in the Word, relishing the quiet, uninterrupted space, and then to write. I’ve realized that writing a book has been on my last four New Year’s goals and I have yet to take any real action steps to get there. Instead, I make excuses about how terribly the boys are sleeping (which is true) or how many other obligations crowd out my ability to carve out a protected writing time (which is also true). And all year long I find myself taking on more responsibilities, saying yes to things I have no business saying yes to because deep down I don’t believe this pursuit matters as much as the other things. It feels too much like a luxury.
As a mom, my time is both completely unpredictable and not at all guaranteed. I can’t predict when my oldest is going to need my help or my attention. Or when my toddler is going to…well let’s be honest, he always needs my help and attention. I think this is a conundrum every mom faces when it comes to the idea of motherhood “and” (you fill in the blank).
This act of being both Mom “and” is a tightrope walk and there is no perfect way across.
What I’m finding about motherhood in this season is that it is a delicate balancing act of loving my boys well and pursuing my calling. In some ways, it’s easy to beat myself up for ever allowing them to become second to anything. Of missing out on a single opportunity to build a blanket fort or act out an episode of Bluey. These years are fleeting, so I’m told. And I don’t want to miss a moment of staring into their chubby yogurt-stained faces and soaking up all the snuggles and little boy laughter I can. I want no regrets in motherhood.
On the other hand, we are teaching our children through example what matters. And when we stop pursuing the things that we feel called to do, the things that make us come alive, we are inadvertently teaching them that that’s okay too. And I just don’t know that it is.
I cannot afford to perpetually put off my children’s requests because I am shooting off “one more email” or crafting one more Instagram caption. Our kids are often far more perceptive than we give them credit for. They know those tiny rectangles in our hands hold the real power over us. When we pursue other things, it should never be at the expense of our time and attention with our kids.
When I’m operating at my best, I will plan designated pockets in the day to write and edit pictures and all of the “other” things that don’t fall into the motherhood bucket. These blocked out slots of time are deemed “quiet hour” in our household. And while the name itself does not always guarantee a quiet house with two rowdy little boys, my oldest knows that it’s mommy’s work time.
It’s when I don’t carve out this time where I find myself easily irritated by my child’s incessant requests throughout the day. When I’m frantically multi-tasking, and my affection and attention are always the first things to go.
There are a lot of days when I colossally miss the mark. When I wake up immediately thinking about all of the things on the “to do” list, and in my sinful flesh, begin to treat the needs of my kids as a burden.
This act of being both Mom “and” is a tightrope walk and there is no perfect way across. Some days I rock it in one area and really don’t in the other. It’s a constant reassessing and asking forgiveness and committing to do better. My kids will be the first to tell you that I don’t always get it right the first go round. But these “missed marks” are always followed by a heartfelt apology and a commitment to do better.
I don’t want to be remembered as the mom who was always working or glued to my phone. I don’t want my oldest to stop asking me to guess what dinosaur he is being or to sit and draw hybrids with him. Because as often as I feel like that would make my life a lot easier, I would know deep down that he gave up on me. There has to be a way for my boys to know both that I delight in them, that they come first to all of those “other things”, and also that mommy has dreams and goals that are worthy of pursuing.
So I will keep fighting for ways to be present to my boys AND to write and create and do the things that fill my cup. I know just as I cannot be a great mom if my eyes are always attached to my computer screen when they need me, I equally cannot be a good mom when I’m pouring from an exclusively empty cup.
The days are long but the years are so very short. And I cannot afford to stop dreaming just as I cannot afford to stop showing up for them. There is too much at stake.
