The Things I Won't Miss

The sleepless nights, that sheepish grin refusing to nap,
that tiny, inquisitive voice always asking, always informing
But mostly just pretending to be an animal.

The things I’ve tried so hard to get past—
The incessant morning sickness, those weeks spent recovering from a c-section,
Stretchy pants and spit-up stained, staring at his perfect cherub face.

That sweet voice asking me to stay just one more minute at bedtime,
Singing his lullaby over him, secretly counting down the minutes to my own freedom,
Crashing on top of my ruffled covers, fully clothed at 8pm
to a frozen pizza and another rerun of Gilmore Girls

One day, that moment I’ve been so desperate to grab ahold of
will land full-force into my palms
like a gale force wind knocking the breath out of me.

I’ll wriggle that final diaper over those growing thighs,
not knowing it was the last one I’ll ever change.
I’ll feel the otherworldly, almost sacred kick of a fresh, growing life inside of me
for the very last time
I’ll sing that lullaby, waiting for the words “mommy stay”

But they won’t come.

And I’ll slink down onto my own bed replaying those moments
Asking myself what I really thought I’d gain by wishing away those last couple of minutes by his side
Stroking his silk, sandy hair, listening to his breathing slow

These days are so very fleeting—
The ones I find myself wishing away for easier times.

But easy means a quiet house
and boys who no longer ask for one more song.

Easy means no more wriggling chunky baby thighs into fresh diapers
It means gorilla growls and deep-throated baby giggles
no longer permeating our humble home

It means these early years of little boy snuggles
and pre-school days spent playing make-believe
and cutting the crusts off lunch are over.

And I’m not ready for that. 
I’m not ready to trade goodnight kisses for five more minutes to myself
if it means losing the magic of these moments

I’ll take the exhaustion.

I’ll take the hard because one day I won’t get to choose. 

The secret of this season exists in the very name. It’s only for a season.

So I’ll hold on tight for as long as I can. 

I’m going to miss this one day. 
But I sure as heck won’t miss it while it’s right in front of me.