Purpose In The Present

Post by Amber White

Moving is not for the faint of heart. A move to another state, away from what you hold dear, can tear your heart apart.

We moved this summer. We moved from Texas to Colorado. We moved away from family and friends who are family. That stings still. It’s been almost 4 months and I still feel that prick of tears behind my eyes.

Leaving things is never easy, but sometimes it is necessary. Juggling my own emotions with those of my kids makes me feel like a clown, trying to balance on a giant ball, juggling fire. There’s been tears and there’s been anger. We are navigating through some choppy waters of grief.

On top of all of this I can’t figure out my purpose here. I knew what to expect and what was expected of me in Texas. I had a rhythm, a daily familiar flow. We move, Sophia graduates, I don’t have my church or my family and friends anymore, I am lost. It amazes me how we attach these things to purpose. I was those things. They shaped who I was. I say was because I am not that person anymore.

When we lose the things that we think give us purpose, we are usually left feeling pretty empty. It forces us to reflect and to reevaluate. So this begs the question, what really gives us purpose? It can’t be something that comes and goes, it can’t be something so easily lost. I have set my identity on being a parent, a wife, a sister and friend. There’s something more there, something I was before all of those things. I was me, I was a creative. I owed no one anything other than to give myself space to be me.

I am starting to find purpose in the present. I am making time for me again. Mostly by force because I am still meeting people here and I find myself sitting on our back porch, looking at the majestic Pikes Peak by myself. I am enjoying watching the leaves change, watching the deer as they graze lazily on the grasses of the land, listening to the birds sing to one another and literally smelling the air change. I needed to lose somethings to find myself again.

What is something you’ve tucked away, some dream you left abandoned?

Even though my time alone has been forced, I’ve learned so much. Take some time for you. Time away from your kids, spouse, family and friends to sit with yourself. Reimagine who you are, what you can do. Reintroduce yourself to you.